Cancer Can Change A Person, Without Them Knowing

My mum was diagnosed with Triple Negative Breast Cancer in 2013. It was stage 3 aggressive. As a family, we had never known anyone so close to us affected by cancer, so it was a huge shock and very overwhelming. We pulled together as a family and supported mum emotionally and physically.

Mum had several treatments, from chemotherapy, radiotherapy to a mastectomy and thankfully she was in remission for a year. Unfortunately, the cancer metastasised (spread to other parts of the body). The oncologist revealed up to 12 lesions in her brain and tumours around her stomach and lungs. 

The news broke us but mum was ready to go for round two of treatments. However, it was one thing after another in terms of her health. It felt like every other week, there would be something new in terms of her health. Slowly, her body deteriorated and she was no longer strong enough for further treatment. She was given up to 3 months to live. With that, we experienced anticipatory grief and had no choice but to accept that she was not going to be around for our future.

Sadly, she passed away in July 2015. 

Supporting and caring for someone with cancer is physically, mentally and emotionally exhausting. I would have told myself that it is okay to not feel okay and take time out for yourself. Also, that cancer can change a person, without them knowing and therefore to not take things personally and continue to provide support and be there. 

Cancer can make or break you – even if it’s not you that’s been diagnosed with it. With that being said, you have to try your best to remain strong for your loved one. If they sense the sadness you feel, they begin to lose hope. It’s hard to push your personal struggles aside but you do it anyway.  Being affected by cancer will also test your relations and show you who’s truly there for you. It filtered my friendships and tightened my circle – I’m forever thankful for that. 

What kept me going was:

Faith – believing I would survive the hardship that was testing me. 

Trust – trusting that Allah (SWT) is the best of planners and never questioning or doubting what was happening. 

Family – even though we were so different with how we handled our own emotions, we leaned on one another to get us through the hardest time of our lives. 

I would advise others to make sure the person diagnosed feels supported throughout their whole process. It is really important to have boundaries in place to make sure your person feels comfortable and respected. I know in many cultures, it is the norm to be polite but I think you can be polite whilst ensuring boundaries are put in place for your person’s best interest. 

Whilst it’s sunnah for people to visit the sick, if your person is not up for visitors – manage this as well as possible and don’t feel bad for making decisions centred around your person. 

On a side note, if you need support, there are resources and charities out there that can help you. Please don’t feel helpless and alone.