A Loss Is A Loss And It Can Tear You Down To Pieces

My experience with losing loved ones through cancer

Cancer has proven to be a slow, harsh, quick and vigorous killer.

My mother returned to Allah SWT 2years ago due to cancer. She held on tight with hope and stood strong for four years through various treatments and hardships but it finally took over and slowly took her away from us.

It was a new experience, as I had never lost anyone so close to me before.

There was so much that I was not prepared for.

Experience teaches you so much and it was sad that we had to experience it first hand to know what it would feel like to lose a loved one.

No one had prepared us to how mum would pass away.

I saw my mother who was so strong and went through so much hardship in this life, crumble and have panic attacks, as she would gasp for breath.

All I thought to myself was my mother the strongest person I know, can also be very vulnerable at a time like this.

She gave hope to everyone else and organised things the best she could.

She would pray and I saw miracles in the passing of her last 6 weeks.

She would be up and glowing with noor and I would just stare at her and say Subhan Allah and then there would be hours when she would be in so much pain but would not complain

The simplest tasks as brushing her teeth would exhaust her.

No one had prepared me for her chocking and throwing up lumps of blood clots but it was the only thing that would put her to some ease and she would sleep for the rest of the day as she was so frail.

Seeing her so fragile made my heart break yet she gave me words of reassurance that everything will be okay.

The family gathered around when she lost consciousness and she gasped for her last breaths.

We all recited and became tired and exhausted. She was still aware of everything that was happening around her.

All I thought to myself was, I pray she goes peacefully as I know she wouldn’t want her friends and neighbours to witness her like this.

As the sun rose mum passed away. Allah swt was listening to me. He knew what was in my heart. He is the best of Planners.

I saw the family crumble to pieces. Physically and emotionally. Allah SWT is your source of comfort and ease.

Trust! He loves you and he is looking out for your wellbeing.

My brother passed away a few months ago with brain cancer. It was hard to see him, the highs and lows through his battle with his mental health and the cancer also.

His treatment was harsh and was touch and go when he became bed ridden on a few occasions, but he always came through the other end.

He would go missing for hours and everyone would be in a panic to where he was. He was not well mentally and would go off for walks without letting anyone know

His saw his hardship in life. Life is a test.

Through negligence he preserved. The family did what they could but it was not enough.

The sense of guilt as we helped but we didn’t do enough for him.

It was not easy to see him in pain, yet he still didn’t complain.

My sister took good care of him, to her best ability, while looking after her family also. Having to drop everything and to make time for him and his endless appointments.

He was very unpredictable, you wouldn’t know if he was going to have a good day or bad day.

When he did finally pass it was too quick and still came as a shock.

I have found it very hard to deal with losing two close members of the family to cancer in the span of 2 years and 40 days.

The family have also struggled in their own ways.

Grievance comes in different forms. It is important to grieve and allow your body and soul to acknowledge the loss. No matter how big or small the loss is. A loss is a loss and it can tear you down to pieces.

I feel as if the last three/four years have flashed past me with numbness and not being present as if I was watching a movie and I’m just starting to wake up to what has actually occurred.

Losing a loved one through any circumstance would be hard.

It is hard to see them go through so much pain yet you cannot do much for them, other than be there and make lots of duas.

You wish you could take away some of their pain but all you can do is watch them suffer. It is a very painful process for the one that is ill and the overlooker who cannot do much.

People would come and greet them and say ‘May Allah SWT give you good health’.

I would rephrase them and say ‘May Allah SWT make this journey easy for them’ as good health is not to come now and the ease of the journey is more important.

Even though you are aware that they will be leaving soon. You can never mentally prepare yourself for the loss.

The advise I would share, would be, it is okay and it is a part of life.

The one thing every human is certain of is to taste death.

Insha Allah they will reunite in the world of barazaka. This world is temporary and we hold on to so much, worry so much but nothing is in our hands.

Allah knows best and we are his and to him we shall return.

May Allah SWT make it easy for everyone and ourselves.

Do what you can.

Do not overwhelm yourself.

Take on what you know you can do.

Do not exhaust yourself.

Take regular breaks when caring for a loved one.

You need to be in good health to look after others.

It is not selfish to take care of yourself, as that is the way you can take better care of others.

Cancer taught me that nothing is yours.

It is important to carry on with life but to be prepared for a shock even though you think you’re prepared and you know what is to come.

No one can really prepare you for the loss of a loved one and the emptiness.

Learn to live as it is important to live life.

Make sure you spend time with your loved ones as you’re making memories.

Make them as comfortable as possible.

Be there for them the best you can.

Allow yourself time to acknowledge what is happening to your loved one but also remember to stay well within yourself.

Emotionally I was broken and physically my body went through so much pain.

There were days I could not explain myself as I did not feel a thing but you just get on with life and your daily duties.

There is always light at the end of a tunnel.

Your wellbeing is important and it important to function and to enable yourself to function it is important to be well ‘health is wealth’.

Little things make me happy so I made sure I did those small things to appreciate the greatness around me.

Nature is a miracle and there is so much we need to be grateful for.

Allah SWT has blessed us with so much.

It is important to stay strong.

It will be okay.

Allow yourself to have good days and bad days.

Everyone is different.

Allow space to expect the unexpected.

You’re human, be yourself.

Allow yourself to grieve the loss of a loved one as that space will never be replaced.

It is okay not to be okay, allow yourself that time to physically and emotionally recover the best you can.

Do things that make you happy.

Be grateful for all the blessings you’re surrounded with ‘Alhum dulliah’ .

Allah SWT loves you 70 times more than a mother ‘Subhan Allah’.

He is your ultimate companion, everything else in life is an extra.

He is always there for you, reach out to him. He will take care of his creation as you’re his and to him you shall return♥️.

Shazia Afzal